How to Leave an Abusive Marriage

Leaving an abusive marriage is never easy, but it is absolutely necessary for your safety, wellbeing, and future. An abusive marriage is characterized by a pattern of physical, emotional, sexual, financial, or psychological mistreatment from one partner towards the other. Abuse is about power and control, with the abusive partner seeking to dominate and intimidate their spouse through fear and manipulation.

If you’re in an abusive marriage, know that you are not alone. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe domestic violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime. Leaving an abusive situation can feel scary and overwhelming, but with careful planning and support, it is possible to break free and build a new life of peace and healing.

Recognizing Signs of Abuse

The first step in leaving an abusive marriage is being able to identify abusive behaviors. Abuse can take many forms:

Physical abuse involves any forceful or violent behavior meant to injure, handicap, or control, such as hitting, choking, pushing, kicking, or restraining.

Emotional and psychological abuse aim to undermine the victim’s self-worth, independence, and mental state. This can include constant criticism, gaslighting, isolation from friends and family, and threats of harm.

Sexual abuse occurs when one partner forces sexual acts without the other’s consent through coercion, threats, or physical force. This includes marital rape.

Financial abuse involves controlling a partner’s ability to acquire, access and utilize financial resources. Tactics can include restricting access to bank accounts, employment sabotage, and identity theft.

Digital abuse is using technology to intimidate, harass or stalk, such as monitoring online activity, sending threatening messages, or cyberbullying.

If you are experiencing any of these forms of abuse, it’s crucial to prioritize your safety and start considering an exit plan. No one deserves to live in fear, pain and oppression.

Preparing to Leave

Leaving an abuser often requires careful strategizing, as it can be one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. Start by creating a personalized safety plan:

1. Identify safe havens you can flee to at a moment’s notice if needed, such as a domestic violence shelter, a friend’s home, or a police station.
2. Pack a hidden emergency bag with essential supplies like cash, clothing, toiletries, medications, important documents, and spare keys. Keep it in an undisclosed but easily accessible location.
3. Collect and make copies of important documents like IDs, birth certificates, health insurance cards, bank statements, etc. Store with a trusted friend or in a safe deposit box.
4. Arrange transportation in advance for a quick getaway if the need arises. This might involve pre-programming a GPS, fueling up your car and parking it for easy access, or setting aside cab fare.

Next, start building up your support system. Surround yourself with caring individuals you trust, who will offer compassion, encouragement and tangible assistance. Confide in close friends, family members, spiritual advisors or mental health professionals about what you’re dealing with. Consider calling a domestic violence hotline for confidential guidance, emotional support, safety planning and links to local resources like shelters and support groups.

You can also begin laying the groundwork for financial independence. If possible, open a bank account in your own name and start setting money aside. Obtain a credit card to establish credit separate from your spouse. Make copies of joint financial records and store them somewhere safe. If you’re not employed, consider brushing up skills, networking, and quietly looking for job opportunities to build up your earning power.

During the Separation Process

When you’re ready to make your exit, there are several key steps to navigate:

First, consider obtaining an order of protection (also known as a restraining order). This is a court mandate prohibiting your abuser from contacting you or coming within a specified distance. It can also grant you temporary custody of children and possession of property. Having legal protection in place can provide greater safety and peace of mind as you transition.

You’ll likely need to file for legal separation or divorce to permanently end the marriage. Seek out an experienced family law attorney who has worked with domestic violence cases before. They can help you understand your rights, file necessary paperwork, negotiate settlements, and advocate for your interests in court.

If you share a home with your abuser, it may be wise to arrange temporary housing elsewhere, like with family or at a shelter or hotel. Your safety is the number one priority.

As you work through the separation, be sure to notify key people in your life of your situation, such as your employer, children’s school, landlord, neighbors, etc. Keeping your support system informed can help keep you safe.

Rebuilding Your Life

As you step into this new chapter, it’s vital to prioritize your physical safety and security:

• Change your locks and phone number. Consider installing a security system.
• Inform key contacts not to share your personal information with your ex.
• Vary your daily routines and routes. Stay alert and trust your instincts.
• If you have a protection order, keep a copy with you at all times. Don’t hesitate to call law enforcement if it is violated.

Healing from an abusive marriage is a journey that requires patience, support and self-compassion. Strongly consider working with a counselor or therapist who specializes in domestic violence and trauma. Support groups can also provide solidarity, validation and encouragement from others who’ve walked a similar path.

No matter how long you were with your abuser, you likely lost touch with your own identity, wants and needs. Rediscovering yourself is key. Focus on nourishing your body, mind and spirit through healthy nutrition, physical activity, restorative rest, journaling, spending time in nature, and enjoying hobbies and interests. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve, rage, and gradually rediscover hope and joy.

Embrace your independence and empower yourself through learning and growth. Take classes, develop skills, explore new career paths. Celebrate your resilience as a survivor.

Social support is also an essential component of healing. Reach out and reconnect with friends and loved ones. Build a network of uplifting people that help you feel valued, understood and believed in. If loved ones aren’t supportive, seek out new connections through community, spiritual or volunteer organizations.

Challenges of Leaving an Abusive Marriage

As much as leaving an abusive marriage is necessary, it is rarely easy due to many barriers victims face:

Fear for personal safety. Abusers often escalate violence and stalking when the victim tries to leave. Safety must be the top priority during this dangerous time.

Economic issues. Financial abuse and sabotage often leave victims without money, employment history or a strong credit record, making it difficult to establish independence.

Concerns for children’s wellbeing. An abused parent may fear losing custody or subjecting kids to poverty, instability or ongoing abuse during visitation with the abuser.

Emotional ties. Leaving can be a long grieving process when you still have care and affection for your abuser. Promises to change and gaslighting can spark doubt.

Religious, cultural or familial pressures. Some face immense pressure from their communities to stay and “make things work.” Abuse may be normalized or stigmatized.

While valid, these obstacles are surmountable with the right mindset, safety precautions and support. You and your children deserve to live freely and thrive.

Life After Leaving Abuse

Leaving an abusive marriage marks the end of victimization and the beginning of reclaiming your life. While there are certainly challenges ahead, there are also new possibilities.

Healing is an ongoing, non-linear process. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. With time, support, and self-care practices, the trauma impacts will lessen. Celebrate your progress. Dream boldly.

If you share children with an abusive ex-partner, it’s important to have clear boundaries and legal parameters around co-parenting. Consider utilizing a court or app-based system for safe communication and exchanges. Consult with your attorney and a counselor about the safest parenting plan for your situation.

You might also seek resources on red flags so you can be proactive about avoiding abusive interpersonal dynamics in the future. Educate your children on healthy relationships as well.

Resources for Victims of Domestic Abuse

Always remember you are not alone and help is available. There are many wonderful organizations and resources dedicated to supporting survivors:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or chat online at thehotline.org. 24/7 free, confidential support.
• Local women’s shelters offer safety, temporary housing, support groups, court advocacy, and more. Find one via domesticshelters.org.
• Legal Aid organizations provide free or low-cost legal services. Search for local providers via the American Bar Association.
• Online support can be found through forums and communities for survivors, such as the Women’s Law message boards.

No matter where you are in your journey of leaving abuse behind, know that you are strong, worthy, and deserving of a life free of violence and control. Reach out and keep reaching out until you have the support and resources you need to step into the new chapter you deserve.

FAQs

1. How can I leave if I’m financially dependent on my abuser? Financial abuse is very common, making many victims feel trapped. First, recognize that your safety must be the priority. Utilize domestic violence organizations for shelter, relocation assistance, and financial empowerment programs. Consider staying with family or friends as you rebuild. Some states offer crime victim compensation funds. Pursue legal representation to ensure you receive a fair divorce settlement, spousal support, and/or child support. With time and support, financial independence is attainable.
2. What if my abuser threatens to harm me if I leave? An abuser might escalate intimidation and violence when they sense they’re losing control. Take all threats seriously. Disclose threats to law enforcement and the court so they can hold the abuser accountable. Change locks, install security cameras or an alarm system, and keep an order of protection on you at all times. Inform neighbors, family, workplace, and school of the situation so they can be extra eyes and ears. Have a safety plan ready to escape to a secure location if needed.
3. How do I protect my children during and after leaving? If your abuser is also directly abusing the children, notify Child Protective Services. They can assist with emergency removal if needed. Otherwise, consider leaving when the abuser is not present and going somewhere they cannot locate you. File for an emergency protection order with temporary custody. In the divorce, ensure the parenting plan centers the children’s physical and emotional safety. Insist on supervised visitation or exchanges in neutral, public locations. Notify schools, daycares and healthcare providers about the order and custody arrangements.
4. What are my legal rights in leaving an abusive marriage? You have the right to safety, autonomy and a life free of domestic violence. Many rights are established in the Violence Against Women Act. You can obtain an order of protection requiring your abuser stay away from you. You can file for divorce on the grounds of cruelty. You can pursue criminal charges for acts of violence and violation of court orders. In a divorce, you are entitled to equitable distribution of assets and debts, as well as spousal and/or child support if eligible. Consult with a family law attorney experienced with domestic violence cases.
5. How long does it take to heal after leaving an abusive relationship? Healing is a very personal journey that happens on its own timeline. Some survivors begin to feel a sense of normalcy and security within months, while others grapple with the trauma for years. Factors like the length and severity of the abuse, childhood history, support system, and coping skills can all impact resilience. The most important thing is committing to the healing process. Engage in therapy, support groups, self-care practices, and healthy relationships. Reframe the abuse as a reflection on the abuser, not you. Celebrate every victory in your freedom.